Not making any commitments

I haven't written a post in a while. I guess I can get a little lazy.

Ok. A lot lazy. I've honestly considered just deleting this blog and doing away with it all.

But something, and I don't know what it is, compels me against such action.

At any rate, I'm not making any commitments to continue this blog or anything, but it will

stay alive....for now.

I've realized that in the past two weeks after the first round of midterms, I've been super

unproductive and just not contributing to life and society as I should.

I think that the amount of studying gets me every time. 

Studying is meant to be done in increments. An hour or two a day. But no. 

I choose immediate satisfaction over long-term commitment. 

I don't even know where I'm going with this.

Blogging out of pure boredom hahaha.

I left home last weekend on a pretty bad note. I miss...

I think the many months spent living in Irvine has led me to hate living back in the house.
I can't sleep as much as I want because I don't have a door in my bedroom so I get woken up early Saturday and Sunday morning as the rest of the family go about their business.
I can't get any studying done because there is just no atmosphere and too many distractions.
I can't stay up as long as I want because my parents still think they should control my sleep schedule.
I can't do what I want because my parents have a say in whatever I do.

Its just...답답해. Its no longer freedom. Its back to how life was in high school. I'm not ready to go back.
Some kids don't go home the entire school year. Their parents call in once a quarter to check if they're alive. I don't want that. But I also don't want my parents breathing down my neck every time I go home, trying to tell me what to do.

I think I argue with my mom every time I come home. This time it was about contacts. I ran out so I need to get some more, but my mom wants me to drive down to downtown LA, get an eye exam, and then buy the contacts. I've already had a check up 6 months ago. I don't feel a need for another one. So I told my mom that I wouldn't take an eye exam and would rather order contacts online. She gets mad. Things escalate to the point where I say I'm not coming back home for the rest of the quarter and she says she's cutting me off financially.

Now, am I a bad son for not wanting to take an eye exam? Yes, optometrists recommend getting an eye check up every 6 months. But how many people brush their teeth after every meal? Its just a recommendation. Not a rule, just optional. Is my mom terrible for getting mad at my decision? No, obviously the eye exam is for me and not her. She just wants the best for me. But I don't think that she's realized that I'm a college student with almost two decades under my belt. Yeah 20 years old is still young, but its old enough to know what you want and take control of your life.

I'm just so fucking tired of it. Why do I have to fight my parents when I get to see them maybe twice a month? I don't want to fight. Fuck. Maybe I should just declare independence.

I must admit, I have really shitty time management...
I procrastinate homework by wondering what to do with my newfound free time.
And then that homework comes around to screw me later.

My Last Night at Home

I don't think my dog Dunkie likes being woken up at 3 a.m. He growled at me, his owner. Ridiculous.

Childhood Dreams

I'm at a loss for words

Speechless, sitting here feeling useless

Like a flightless bird

I was supposed to keep strong

Supposed to keep my sanity

But I guess I was wrong

I couldn't fly, couldn't fight gravity

I'm stuck on the ground

But I'm not sticking for long

I don't plan on fuckin around

But first, let me sing you this song

Open up your wings and fly

Catch your dreams drifting through the sky

Hold them close and never let go

and make them a reality

Do you remember your dreams as a little kid?

Those childhood dreams that you used to dream?

Do you remember the life you wanted to live?

Those plans that are now tearing at the seams?

Look at your life now

Where are you?

Are you on the right route

Or are you still on the move?

Pick up your dirty life while you can still save it

If you haven't given up your dreams, then spread your wings and take it.

I think everybody at some point, could use a good cry; like one of those cries where you breathe all retarded and you look like a fool.

I don't know why I think so but I do.

Maybe its because when you cry, there is a certain realization that didn't hit you before.

I think when you cry that hard, you realize your mistakes, the things you value, and the things you wish for.

I think when you cry, you are incredibly vulnerable, stripped of your defenses.

I think when you cry, you realize your imperfections. You realize your humility.

You are humbled.

For guys, its definitely difficult to cry like that. But when it happens, the melting pot of emotions embedded in your chest is glorious. It feels like a great weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

As I read this aloud, I realize how incredibly gay this must sound coming from a guy. But you know what? I don't take back a single word I said.

You know, every time I've listened to Fireworks - Katy Perry, I've always thought, "No, Katy. I don't really feel like a plastic bag floating in the wind"

But for the first time since school started, I feel kind of obsolete?

Not useless like that cliche "a grain of sand on a beach," but more like life will plow through and continue on regardless of what you do, how you are feeling, and what you want.

Life continues on even after a tragic bus accident.

Life doesn't stop for you when you fail your midterm or final.

Life doesn't stop when you are sick.

Life carries on.

So I guess there's nothing left to do, but pick yourself up and keep walking.

Life will leave you behind if you stop to bitch and moan about everything that is going wrong.

That's what life is. Things go wrong. Accept it and move on.

L O V E

Love. Its peculiar how much depth and meaning four letters can hold.

1/20/11

Week 3 of winter quarter is coming to an end.

Oh man. What a week.

I got depledged from Sigma Pi fraternity.

I have two midterms next week on the same day and possibly a third one on Thurday.

I was a short week, but it was a long one at the same time. Yes, it may sound strange but its true.

I went to the ARC for the first time since like October or something.

After the usual ten laps in the pool, my arms and my legs were so sore that my calves would cramp up as I tried to skateboard back to my dorm. Sad.

I also went to KCM for the third time this academic year?

I feel kind of bad that I'm not a regular there and I skip out on the fellowship every time I go.

Maybe I'll start going out more often. Who knows? Its college.

I don't even know what I'm rambling on about. This blog post should be destroyed for its inherent lack of structure and focus. Moral of the story is: this week kinda sucked and this blog is transparently superficial. Until next time folks!

Update

So its still week 1 of the winter quarter and already things have not really gone my way...

I found out that one of the classes I added was dropped during break because the discussion section did not correlate to the lecture that I added. Great. So now, I'm on the waitlist with potentially 10 units for the rest of the quarter. This means I'm not even a full-time student.

I don't even know what to do right now.

Being back feels great though. So far, rushing Sigma Pi has been awesome and a lot of fun.

I'm still trying to find the balance between study and play, but I'm going to find it soon and try to keep that balance for as long as bearable.

So MFX retreat is coming up this weekend. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. I don't even know why. I used to be so stoked for retreats but presently, I'm not. I don't even think its apathy. I just want to stay right here, in my cozy Irvine dorm.

I think part of the reason for my so-called "sabbatical" is because of the early role that church played in my life. Ever since I've been born I've been in church. I grew up in the church nursery; it was practically my second home. I grew close to God as well as many brothers and sisters there. I remember when I was as young as 7 or 8 years old my cousins and I used to sit in my grandmother's living room. She forced us to sing, pray and read the bible offering a painful smack as punishment. Since day 1, I've been constantly bombarded with the practices of Christianity. I feel like I've been smothered by a huge pillow of church for most of my life and now that I'm exploiting the freedom that college brings, I am not too inclined to jumping back into church and all that jazz. It feels like a breath of fresh air.

I can definitely see myself coming back in the near future, but for now, I want to live life for myself. I want to learn from some of my own mistakes instead of people telling me what mistakes NOT to make. It may sound ridiculous, but I see it as something I must do.

I'm sorry that I've turned my back on you these past few months.

I'm sorry that I've stopped talking to you, stopped listening for you.

Oh man. I'm officially nocturnal. Last night I went to bed at 4:30am and woke up today at 4:30pm. The night before that I went to sleep at 8:00am until 12:30pm. Most definitely need to fix my sleep schedule before school begins.

Had a pretty fun sleepover last night @ David Choe's house. Its been a while since all of us hung out together like that. Brought back some good memories, and made some new ones.

Oh yeah, eff this rain. Rain makes me miserable.

How could you even play beer pong in freezing weather like that?

Not gonna lie. That's pretty sick though.

Hey blogspot. Its been a while.

Here's an update. I've come home for winter break.

Even though I'm more than glad to not have any classes for a few weeks,

I wish that I was in Irvine. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love

meeting up with my friends. But sadly, La Crescenta has no longer become my home.

I've mentally set up a connection with my small cubicle dorm room in Shadowfax room 309.

Its uncomfortable to know that my bed doesn't feel like my own.

My dad told me something interesting today. He said that from what he's observed, I've fallen away from God. Its true. Through all of college life leading up these past ten weeks, God has been a last priority. I only go to church now because I have to. Its quite sad really, knowing how close I used to be with Him. But this apathy, this sense of immortality, is preventing me from going back. When I think of my future life, I can definitely see me as a Christian again, firmly entrenched in the faith. But for now, I think I'll leave life be...life's not done with me yet.

Thinking about the future only brings me anxiety.

The amount of work, studying, grades, tests, in order to reach the goal.

Thinking about PCATS makes me quiver.

Why is it that society makes it so hard to live in the present?

I guess living in the present is "irresponsible" in a sense, but constantly thinking about the future is not living life.

Jesus, this is my insanity plea.

Am I becoming too sensitive? I feel like I'm more easily irritated by trivial things.

Maybe its stress.

Just read my old xanga from 2006. I cringed at some of the posts where I screamed for attention. Ouch. The immaturity and lack of independence make me pity the old me. But then again, I wonder if I will pity the present me in the future....

God, are you playing games with me right now?

Dear Daphne

Put him down

That clown of a thing you call a man

Put him down

Put it down

That liquid courage

Too much courage

Made you foolish now

You'll drown

You'll drown

Stay with me

Your eyes are rolling

To the back of your head

Stay with me

Remember the things that I said

Til then I'll keep holding your head

Your head

I was there

A dead soul looking for love

In pretty snake holes

You're now there

You're opening

Bombs in gift wrap

Without a care

Get out of there

Get out of there

I see so much of me in you

But only the pages I threw

Away from my story

You don't need that kind of

Black and blue

Marking up your heart and

Bleeding through

All of your pages

Remember the love that I sent

Til then I'll keep

Holding your head

Your head...

College/life update!

Dear blog,

Its been a while. College has been an interesting experience so far.

I like it. The freedom, the escape from the incessant nagging of my parents.

I love them, I really do. But sometimes, family just becomes a little too much and I want nothing more than to leave the house. Living here, I feel like I have so much more free time. Haha.

Pharmaceutical Science major. Oh me oh my. Little did I know the gravity of taking on biology and chemistry simultaneously. What a task.

I really do envy my roommate Steve. He's a psych major taking psychology, history, and philosophy. He doesn't even have half of the homework that I have. Its ridiculous.

Its so very interesting rooming with Kevin and Steve. We all "knew" each other, but we were never close. But its funny how we sort of get along. Honestly, I think that its still very possible to get into a fight. But it will be hard. And since we're guys, I'm sure we'll get over it quickly.

So some of the little quirks that I found out from my first month with these two:

Steve: sucks at video games besides 2k11

constantly looking for/talking about girls or texting them

loves naps

eats slow

Kevin: also has an affinity for girls without as much luck as Steve

eats SUPER SUPER slow

sensitive body and he definitely needs to pack on some meat

sleep talks (like almost every night)

Sigh. I too have been looking for some potential lady friends. And to my dismay, I haven't had much luck. I guess not being interested in having a girlfriend my entire life also means that I have no game. But then again, maybe I'm aiming too high. I've been looking for really pretty, smart girls. But of course, why would they look at me? Sigh. This is my condition.

Oh yeah. And Chemistry can go suck it.

You say you're after the pursuit of happiness, but you have so much anger/depression/hate in your heart.

Does wishing death over other people make you happy?

I really do hope you find happiness, so you could let your anger go.

Or is it that you have to let your anger go to find happiness?

I hope you'd figure it out on your own.