ignorance = bliss?

I heard something very unfortunate today. Sigh. I don't know how to describe how I feel.
Frustrated? Sympathetic? Burdened? Depressed? Thankful? What's a word that describes them all? :LKJ(0o^__WEFJOK>HAHAOIJL. Perhaps.

Life is but a fleeting moment.

Oh man. I'm beginning to blog like everyday. I haven't decided whether that's a good thing or not.
Anyway, I've been thinking about life.
This poor girl's dad passed away due to a hit and run accident on Montrose on Jan. 1st.
I don't know this girl well, but I have seen her here and there at school.
They say that she witnessed the entire ordeal.
I thought about this, and honestly, I have no idea how she could cope with such a burden. Just thinking about watching my dad get hit by a car terrifies me.
What would I do without him? If he went home RIGHT NOW, how would I feel? Would I have regrets?
And then I was reminded of that song...I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow; a wave tossed in the ocean; a vapor in the wind.
Truly, truly we are quite powerless to save our own lives. How fleeting, small, and insignificant our lives are. I'm not sure if that's depressing or awe-inspiring; perhaps both.
Thank you, God for my family; for keeping us safe.

Just came back from running. When I run, I get really tired but afterwards, I feel great. I also have time to recollect my thoughts. As the background moves past me, my world slows down. Something that's been on my mind lately is my identity; specifically, my faith.
I feel like I've put Christianity on hold for the past few weeks. Its as if one day, I just said "Dang, this is difficult" and quit. I feel ashamed to say the least; to call myself a Christian, a worship leader, a small group leader, an older brother. I've realized that my prayers have been asking God, "Please, make me hate sin," constantly asking for the easy way out. Christianity isn't about the easy road.
I've been thinking about starting to lead again soon. This "taking a break" deal has spoiled me, and undone my discipline. I'm tired of pretending; I want to be real, raw before the God who see's all.


So God, make me naked.
Make me uncomfortable.
Draw me close. I need you.

Silence.

Why are we so afraid of it? Why is it that we cannot enjoy a blissful moment of peace to recollect our thoughts and have some personal time to ourselves, but instead we impulsively feel awkward at a moment of silence?
I wish I were deaf for a few days. I'm not sure how I would cope. How would I wake up without an alarm in the morning? I would hear nothing but my own voice. Would I go insane? What an entertaining thought.

I am a little bit annoyed with myself...

I have realized that there are several aspects of who I am that I am not satisfied with;
Several aspects with which irk me and are more than imperfect.
Of course, I know that there is no way for me to become perfect, but should that stop me from trying?
Should I simply accept myself for who I am, despite my flaws, and expect everyone else to deal with it?
No. I refuse to remain the way I am. I refuse to stay stagnant and be restricted by what reality tells me is impossible.
God, help me become a better version of me.

Got into a pretty big fight with my little bro yesterday. Fists and all. Things broke; it was bad. And I guess I learned that I have been sucking really bad at being a good big bro. I thought I was doing alright, I mean not GOOD per say, but not bad. Damn, I was so wrong. So wrong, so irresponsible, so uncaring that I didn't even realize the shit that was going on right under my nose. I'm mad at my brother, but more than that, I'm mad at myself because in a way it was all my fault. From now on, I will try hard, try harder, and even harder than that to be a good brother. Jesus, help me.

I must write a new post about Disneyland before I forget what happened. Hahaha. So Disneyland was pretty dang great. I had lots of fun and I think I would have regretted not going. The fireworks were so heart warming heehee. And it made me want a girlfriend. The new Space Mountain is pretty awesome and so is Thunder Mountain which I rode like 3 times. The people I went with were great too ahaha.

Anyway, nothing out of the ordinary going on right now except school, which in itself is pretty ordinary. I just can't wait for winter break. Christmas is drawing near. And even though presents marr the true meaning of Christmas, it means money; and that is something I currently do not have. Maybe I'll make something for my friends along with a card. Sigh.

Hmm. Maybe I should start posting some blogs with deeper meaning ahahaha. Now that I think of it, all of them are like...superficial and no depth. Maybe....