Waiting..

Its quiet, oh so quiet where I stand
Not a person in sight to hold my empty hand
I've been waiting, oh I've been waiting for you
But you don't seem to be coming anytime soon.

Time is running out
The candle's burning out
And the sun has come out too soon.

But I'll keep waiting, oh I'll keep waiting for you
Even if I have to stay here til noon
Cause I know if I stay here
I'll see you soon.

If my legs give out, then I'll sit down
If my back begins to hurt, I'll lay in the dirt

I can't wait
to feel your embrace
when I finally get to see you face to face

Its a work in progress. Lyrics subject to change at my whim.

After nights of considerable thought and evaluation, I have come to a simple, yet groundbreaking conclusion: The energy required to get yourself to exercise is less than the energy required to exercise itself QED.
Thank you. That is all.

Running.

Running is extremely taxing on me. After about a mile, every lap becomes a personal challenge of self discipline; to push myself through the aches, pains and shortness of breath.
And yet, its sort of relaxing at the same time. Ironically, my world stops when I run alone and I immerse myself in deep thought about mostly nothing. But its almost peaceful, like my place of mental rest despite the physical torture.
Have you ever listened to the conversations that go on about the track when you run by people?
Some of the squabble is actually quite interesting. Not interesting enough to hear the entire story, but just that little snippet of what I hear is pretty intriguing. I have a good time keeping my music on low and eavesdropping for a phrase or two when I run past people. And then, if I'm feeling bored or have nothing to think about, then I try and fit that snippet into a full conversation. I'm weird.
Also, listening to girls talk about prom is fun(ny).

When you think about something for too long, the thing you're thinking about becomes alien, strange, obscure. I've been thinking about college recently, and the notion has really hit me. Wow, I'm going to college. It isn't completely exaggerated or misconstrued when I say that my life has been revolving around this event. What is it we, as students, strive for? Why is it that we(well not all of us) toil and go to hagwon for SATs and APs and slave our days away with our nose in our books? It all boils down to college. And now, I'm here.
I was looking at rooming options, campus, and costs for UC Irvine. I guess I've already accepted the fact that its the school I'm going to. I'm kind of glad that my cousin is going as well as some friends. I can't wait for next year, its definitely going to be an adventure. Haha. But summer has yet to come. And when it does...definitely FSU time!

My last few posts have been pretty dreary, though not without due reason. Still, I shall take this next post to talk about something a little more optimistic.

I like when its evening time, say 6-7 pm, and the sun isn't down yet. Its like the sun wants me to have more fun, begs me to, arguing that the day has not yet ended. Even though the heat may be uncomfortable, it isn't unbearable and if you're in the shade, its quite soothing and relaxing. I can't wait for summer. It can't get here quite fast enough.

This weekend, I've rejected by my two choice schools: UCLA and UCSD.
To be honest, I imagined myself crying at that the words "We regret to inform you that..." but it was just numbness. Shock? Disappointment. I didn't know what to think or say.

I guess I got over the rejection to UCLA sooner than I thought. Even though it was my number 1, I knew that chances were slim. But UCSD, I thought I had a chance. I had hope. But I was rejected. And now I feel depressed. I don't feel better at the thought that most everyone got rejected, but just bitter at the people who did.

Looks like UC Irvine is the most likely and realistic option for me. Its not like its a bad school or anything because its not. And that's not the reason I'm feeling down. Its the fact that I got rejected from SD, my target. I thought I was worth that much.

Funny, I imagined this day so differently way back when. I used to think to myself that even if I ended up going to a community college, I would thank God for everything and the things he's provided thus far. But I'm not in a good place right now with God, so so much for that.

Hmm. Oddly, the people who come up to me and try and cheer me up are irritating me. I mean, I'm thankful that they care enough to try and raise my hopes or anything right now but I guess I just don't feel like I need it at the moment. I think this disappointment needs to play itself out. Don't feel like doing anything right now.

I'm tired of always leaving you behind.
Always pushing you into the back of my mind
I'm tired of saying I'll eventually come back to you
And then turn around and do the things I do.
I always take advantage of your love and grace.
Doing things behind your back that would bring you shame.
And I love you more than songs could ever say
Because whenever I'm lost you help me find the way

So bring me back into your arms
Call me back for I've been gone far too long
I yearn for you in spirit and in truth
So help me find that innocence of youth

I need you now more than ever
In these trying times we need to stay together
I was lost and now I'm found
You helped me turn around
and now I live again to glorify you




Help me to get to the place where I can sing these words without a shadow of a doubt
Where I can firmly say, God is my god and he's the only one for me.
Help me find my way back to you. Give me a sign, talk to me.

I'm sick. I've come down with a serious case of senioritis. Oh its real, let me tell you.
When you don't want to do your homework so much that you've read your facebook news feed 5 times over and pretty much memorized it, when you find yourself looking at profile pictures of people you've never met before, when you find yourself looking at your dog sleeping for over 10 minutes, you've got the disease.

There isn't a shadow of a doubt:
I will protect the ones I love. I will definitely have their backs, be their support, be a father, brother, and friend.

"Faith is the aftermath of questioning- not the answers but the quitting of doubt." -Lewis Hyde

Redo.

Often times, I catch myself thinking: I shouldn't have done that...or I should have done this. I think everyone at one time or another wishes for a do-over, a redo, an attempt at redemption. But what I realized was that if such a thing was plausible, it would take away the weight behind our actions; essentially effectively stripping away consequence.
I could do the most terrible things to the nicest people and go crazy and shoot 15 people; and then have a redo and just go along with life. Would that be weird? If you left the world UNCHANGED, but still experienced the option of doing whatever? I think it would change me into an uncontrolled, erratic freak of nature with severe lack of self discipline. Still, entertaining thoughts.