I think the many months spent living in Irvine has led me to hate living back in the house.
I can't sleep as much as I want because I don't have a door in my bedroom so I get woken up early Saturday and Sunday morning as the rest of the family go about their business.
I can't get any studying done because there is just no atmosphere and too many distractions.
I can't stay up as long as I want because my parents still think they should control my sleep schedule.
I can't do what I want because my parents have a say in whatever I do.

Its just...답답해. Its no longer freedom. Its back to how life was in high school. I'm not ready to go back.
Some kids don't go home the entire school year. Their parents call in once a quarter to check if they're alive. I don't want that. But I also don't want my parents breathing down my neck every time I go home, trying to tell me what to do.

I think I argue with my mom every time I come home. This time it was about contacts. I ran out so I need to get some more, but my mom wants me to drive down to downtown LA, get an eye exam, and then buy the contacts. I've already had a check up 6 months ago. I don't feel a need for another one. So I told my mom that I wouldn't take an eye exam and would rather order contacts online. She gets mad. Things escalate to the point where I say I'm not coming back home for the rest of the quarter and she says she's cutting me off financially.

Now, am I a bad son for not wanting to take an eye exam? Yes, optometrists recommend getting an eye check up every 6 months. But how many people brush their teeth after every meal? Its just a recommendation. Not a rule, just optional. Is my mom terrible for getting mad at my decision? No, obviously the eye exam is for me and not her. She just wants the best for me. But I don't think that she's realized that I'm a college student with almost two decades under my belt. Yeah 20 years old is still young, but its old enough to know what you want and take control of your life.

I'm just so fucking tired of it. Why do I have to fight my parents when I get to see them maybe twice a month? I don't want to fight. Fuck. Maybe I should just declare independence.

I must admit, I have really shitty time management...
I procrastinate homework by wondering what to do with my newfound free time.
And then that homework comes around to screw me later.

My Last Night at Home

I don't think my dog Dunkie likes being woken up at 3 a.m. He growled at me, his owner. Ridiculous.

Childhood Dreams

I'm at a loss for words

Speechless, sitting here feeling useless

Like a flightless bird

I was supposed to keep strong

Supposed to keep my sanity

But I guess I was wrong

I couldn't fly, couldn't fight gravity

I'm stuck on the ground

But I'm not sticking for long

I don't plan on fuckin around

But first, let me sing you this song

Open up your wings and fly

Catch your dreams drifting through the sky

Hold them close and never let go

and make them a reality

Do you remember your dreams as a little kid?

Those childhood dreams that you used to dream?

Do you remember the life you wanted to live?

Those plans that are now tearing at the seams?

Look at your life now

Where are you?

Are you on the right route

Or are you still on the move?

Pick up your dirty life while you can still save it

If you haven't given up your dreams, then spread your wings and take it.

I think everybody at some point, could use a good cry; like one of those cries where you breathe all retarded and you look like a fool.

I don't know why I think so but I do.

Maybe its because when you cry, there is a certain realization that didn't hit you before.

I think when you cry that hard, you realize your mistakes, the things you value, and the things you wish for.

I think when you cry, you are incredibly vulnerable, stripped of your defenses.

I think when you cry, you realize your imperfections. You realize your humility.

You are humbled.

For guys, its definitely difficult to cry like that. But when it happens, the melting pot of emotions embedded in your chest is glorious. It feels like a great weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

As I read this aloud, I realize how incredibly gay this must sound coming from a guy. But you know what? I don't take back a single word I said.

You know, every time I've listened to Fireworks - Katy Perry, I've always thought, "No, Katy. I don't really feel like a plastic bag floating in the wind"

But for the first time since school started, I feel kind of obsolete?

Not useless like that cliche "a grain of sand on a beach," but more like life will plow through and continue on regardless of what you do, how you are feeling, and what you want.

Life continues on even after a tragic bus accident.

Life doesn't stop for you when you fail your midterm or final.

Life doesn't stop when you are sick.

Life carries on.

So I guess there's nothing left to do, but pick yourself up and keep walking.

Life will leave you behind if you stop to bitch and moan about everything that is going wrong.

That's what life is. Things go wrong. Accept it and move on.

L O V E

Love. Its peculiar how much depth and meaning four letters can hold.

1/20/11

Week 3 of winter quarter is coming to an end.

Oh man. What a week.

I got depledged from Sigma Pi fraternity.

I have two midterms next week on the same day and possibly a third one on Thurday.

I was a short week, but it was a long one at the same time. Yes, it may sound strange but its true.

I went to the ARC for the first time since like October or something.

After the usual ten laps in the pool, my arms and my legs were so sore that my calves would cramp up as I tried to skateboard back to my dorm. Sad.

I also went to KCM for the third time this academic year?

I feel kind of bad that I'm not a regular there and I skip out on the fellowship every time I go.

Maybe I'll start going out more often. Who knows? Its college.

I don't even know what I'm rambling on about. This blog post should be destroyed for its inherent lack of structure and focus. Moral of the story is: this week kinda sucked and this blog is transparently superficial. Until next time folks!

Update

So its still week 1 of the winter quarter and already things have not really gone my way...

I found out that one of the classes I added was dropped during break because the discussion section did not correlate to the lecture that I added. Great. So now, I'm on the waitlist with potentially 10 units for the rest of the quarter. This means I'm not even a full-time student.

I don't even know what to do right now.

Being back feels great though. So far, rushing Sigma Pi has been awesome and a lot of fun.

I'm still trying to find the balance between study and play, but I'm going to find it soon and try to keep that balance for as long as bearable.

So MFX retreat is coming up this weekend. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. I don't even know why. I used to be so stoked for retreats but presently, I'm not. I don't even think its apathy. I just want to stay right here, in my cozy Irvine dorm.

I think part of the reason for my so-called "sabbatical" is because of the early role that church played in my life. Ever since I've been born I've been in church. I grew up in the church nursery; it was practically my second home. I grew close to God as well as many brothers and sisters there. I remember when I was as young as 7 or 8 years old my cousins and I used to sit in my grandmother's living room. She forced us to sing, pray and read the bible offering a painful smack as punishment. Since day 1, I've been constantly bombarded with the practices of Christianity. I feel like I've been smothered by a huge pillow of church for most of my life and now that I'm exploiting the freedom that college brings, I am not too inclined to jumping back into church and all that jazz. It feels like a breath of fresh air.

I can definitely see myself coming back in the near future, but for now, I want to live life for myself. I want to learn from some of my own mistakes instead of people telling me what mistakes NOT to make. It may sound ridiculous, but I see it as something I must do.

I'm sorry that I've turned my back on you these past few months.

I'm sorry that I've stopped talking to you, stopped listening for you.