Got into a pretty big fight with my little bro yesterday. Fists and all. Things broke; it was bad. And I guess I learned that I have been sucking really bad at being a good big bro. I thought I was doing alright, I mean not GOOD per say, but not bad. Damn, I was so wrong. So wrong, so irresponsible, so uncaring that I didn't even realize the shit that was going on right under my nose. I'm mad at my brother, but more than that, I'm mad at myself because in a way it was all my fault. From now on, I will try hard, try harder, and even harder than that to be a good brother. Jesus, help me.

I must write a new post about Disneyland before I forget what happened. Hahaha. So Disneyland was pretty dang great. I had lots of fun and I think I would have regretted not going. The fireworks were so heart warming heehee. And it made me want a girlfriend. The new Space Mountain is pretty awesome and so is Thunder Mountain which I rode like 3 times. The people I went with were great too ahaha.

Anyway, nothing out of the ordinary going on right now except school, which in itself is pretty ordinary. I just can't wait for winter break. Christmas is drawing near. And even though presents marr the true meaning of Christmas, it means money; and that is something I currently do not have. Maybe I'll make something for my friends along with a card. Sigh.

Hmm. Maybe I should start posting some blogs with deeper meaning ahahaha. Now that I think of it, all of them are like...superficial and no depth. Maybe....

Mmm. The beauty of blogging is that I can write the most trivial crap on here and its okay. No fear of criticism or being marked down due to lack of analysis or any of that school stuff. I think sometimes, blogging is a refreshing change of pace for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed at times.

So I haven't been doing my QT's lately, and I can blame it all on the college applications and the personal statements and school work, etc. But in the end, it all comes down to a matter of time management and choice. In that sense, I can say that I have failed miserably. I have just thrown away time here and there without much consideration for opportunity costs.

Yes, well I'm not quite out of the jungle yet. Got a lot of things to keep me busy haha. Like right now, I should definitely be doing my work and trying to get more sleep into my schedule. I've been averaging like freaking 3 hours a day.

So I'm just about finished with the first of two personal statements. And I must say, I feel like I have crossed over a mountain. But there's one more ahead. Whew.
I still haven't forgotten the promise I made to myself about writing a song. I still want to write. And there are so many times where i feel like I need to express myself through music and lyrics, but I just haven't got the time to write a song. One day, after these cursed applications are all submitted, I will. Ahahaha.
Well I just came back from running a few miles at CV. Running feels so liberating. Its a good exercise to get some things off your mind. Its just you, the music, and the floor you're running on. Mmm. I met some friends at CV today. When I go off into college next year, I really hope that I'll stay close with most of my friends. Though, I have this feeling that some falling outs will be inevitable. What a sad thought.

Well now I've come to the point where I stop and wonder, who is reading these? And who will read these in the future? I guess since its the internet, I should be discrete just in case.
The past couple of days has just been pretty crazy. High school drama has blown up in my face. So many of my friends are going through crap and its gotten pretty complicated and intense. I'm guessing a lot of this won't matter 5 years from now, but right now, its pretty big. I just hope it will all go away soon and we can have happy happy fun times together. I honestly cannot wait for second semester. I feel like its a dream that's just out of reach.
Anyway, its 4AM so I should be getting back to work. I'm hungry

So I finally started on my UC personal statement, which is good. I think it might become worth something. So I went on a study group thingy with my friends today, and well. I didn't really get to learn much. But I don't think all study groups are bad. It just depends on who you go with, compatibility, motive, and all that jazz.
Well apparently, some of my friends are in relationships and they don't want me to know about it. Even though I already know the general ongoings, I guess they don't want to share with me. I mean, I get it if they want it to be their own business, but I don't know. I just want to be someone trustworthy enough to share juicy secrets with ahaha. I guess it just means I'm not trustworthy enough. Oh well sad life.
I cannot wait until I submit the last of these darn college apps. Its like a constant cloud hanging above my head. I need to get them out of my life. I'm worried for some of my friends, but I won't say anything here for my sake.
Hahaha. Well, seeing relationships and lovey dovey stuff around me makes me want a girlfriend. So bad. I want someone to spill my guts to and to give and take hugs whenever I need or want to. But I will wait, for my wife. Hopefully, I find her on my first try. Oh gosh, why am I even talking about this stuff right now? I have a lot of stuff to do.

Friday the 13th.

I got my very first traffic ticket yesterday.
And I guess, thinking back about what happened and my reaction,
I failed the test that God set up for me.

You see, about 20 seconds before I almost sped past the highway patrol on the freeway, I was telling my friends how good I was at telling apart cop tail lights on the freeway.
Now God, being the funny guy that he is, makes sure that I am completely and utterly
humbled by sending this oh-so-pleasant officer my way.

Now, I would have very much liked to have laughed this off and played it cool. Maybe even praying to God for deliverance from this evil ticket. But instead, I cussed and I hoped.
I feel like I've been letting my tongue loose nowadays. I've been cussing under my breath or in my head when something bad happens or things turn the wrong way. And I know that this isn't the right reaction. When I get upset or angry, I realized that these daily, hidden habits come up.
I guess I should really be more aware of these things and set a good example to my friends and siblings.

On another note, my first college application is due tomorrow for UOP.
At first, I really wanted to go to this school, thinking that finishing quick is the best and most efficient way. But after more thought, I believe that UCSD would be a better choice for me for a number of reasons that I'm too lazy to list.
And as a result, I don't think I put my absolute best into my personal statement. It was sort of mediocre with a "compassion"-based punchline. And honestly, at this exact moment, I don't know what my reaction would be if I got rejected. Relieved? Disappointed? Sad? Apathetic?

I'm praying really hard to know God more each and every day. And I hope and wish that one day, I'll grow intimate enough with Him to have steady conversations daily and frequently.

I decided to starting blogging again. Partly because I felt like I needed somewhere to share my thoughts and I didn't want to bug any of my friends with trivial issues and such.
So I've started thinking: Why am I the way I am? I mean, why am I the un-serious guy? I don't understand why its so hard for me to not crack jokes and try and be the life of the party. I guess I feel like I'm being too obnoxious sometimes in a group setting. Ahaha. Wow this is really cheesy.
Mmmk. So I'm usually against going to dances because there are more negative aspects to them than positive. And to be completely honest, I was never really interested in those kinds of events anyway, so I never made an effort to go. But prom is a bit of a different story. At first, I was against it; especially because it just cost too much. But people around me have been pressuring and pushing me to go to at least prom. I think I've given in to the pressure: I think I want to go.
Now comes the headache. One of the biggest reasons I don't want to go to dances is because relationships become very complicated. One might think that the other is giving him or her signals, but they might be misread. And if you go with a friend, that line between friendship and courtship. Feelings are pretty hard to control. And so, I have no idea who to go with. I guess I do have some time to think about it though.
College: honestly, I don't know who it was that said senior year was all play and no work. College apps are pretty dang stressful and I'm not even applying to that many. I feel so...worried for my future, but at the same time, I don't really care. I guess I want something, but I don't want to do the work to get there. Hehe, I'm so lazy. My first college application is due next week, but I still need to finish up the personal statement. And after that, I have to start the personal statements for the UC's! Oh man. And where am I going to find time to study for my SAT II subject tests in the December? I guess I've been having a lot of wishful thinking lately. And lets keep it at that.