The Big One Eight.

My family just left from my week-early birthday dinner. I don't know, I've never really put much weight on my own birthdays. In fact, I've bashed on other people for being too happy about them(sorry if you're reading this). But you know, I realized that I've been extremely lucky to make it through 18 years. So many, lost in poverty, driven by unsanitary conditions, disease, crime, have never made it this far nor will countless more, all because of the simple, uncontrollable fact that they were born into unfortunate circumstances. So even today, a week before I turn 18, I'm ecstatic and extremely grateful that I have lived to be old enough to sign off my own papers, buy cigarettes and lottery tickets, get a job, and become legally responsible for all of my actions. So, thank you.

My God...

My God is big, he is great.
Nothing can snatch me from his hands.
Despite my immense shortcomings, he is more than enough to make up for them.
I know that he is my back up and who can stand up against Him?
Hahaha. With Him, I will prevail because through Him, all things are possible.
I just have to have faith. Faith to persevere, to destroy doubt, to die to myself, take up my cross, and follow Him.

Mediocrity

As I reflect on some of the choices I've made of late, and the outcomes of those choices, I've noticed that I've been overwhelmingly complacent.
My compromising attitude has led me to be apathetic towards the things that are important and instead care about the superficial; things that I want; instant gratification. I'm thoroughly disgusted at my selfish and foolish choices and I'm looking for a way out.

Also, still lots of craziness going on. I hate to see my friends going through crap like this and I want to help, but sometimes, its hard to respect that they need their own secrets. I wish I could help. I want it all to fade away. Sigh. What's wrong with me?

Dying to Live.

AP Economics has taught me that we have unlimited wants, but not enough resources to attain them. I know life doesn't always work out perfectly, but I hope that this does.
Can one hope?

I just spent the last hour looking at every one of the 500 Niko pictures up on the facebook group. I want to go back...

Today was an uneventful day. Sigh, I'm stressed out. I thought after college apps, things were supposed to all head downhill...
I have an econ test tomorrow, AP chem/AP calc/physio test on friday as well as a finalized 6-8 page research paper for english. Jesus help me.
So my mom got really mad at my dog today (Dunkie). Because he pees like...uncontrollably everywhere. (Gotta get that dog a diaper or something). And my mom told me to ask around if anyone would want him. This got my hopes up, thinking that if we sold him for a good enough price, I could perhaps get a macbook or something. But after some discussion with my parents, my dad says that he doesn't want to sell him or give him away...pity, I don't really like that dog.

Heavy

HEAVY HEAVY. Everything is so heavy. But I must carry some of the burden.
So naive. I've been so ignorant. Its okay, we'll solve the problems one at a time.

EDIT: I'm so thankful. I'm so blessed.

Pretty bland day today. Very typical. I fell asleep in 4 out of 5 of my classes haha.
Wouldn't it be great if our bodies didn't need sleep? I mean, I love sleeping and naps and such, but what if we didn't NEED to sleep? That would add an additional 8 hours or so (or 4 hours for me) every day. Hurray for efficiency! Of course, this may very well entail another 4 hours of procrastination on my part...hehe.
I'm going to court tomorrow. At a very inconvenient time too. Seems like I might not be able to donate blood. I really want to though. I'm very interested in the entire process. Some people are scared to donate, but I want to watch as the needle pierces my skin. I heard donors get a free t-shirt.

ignorance = bliss?

I heard something very unfortunate today. Sigh. I don't know how to describe how I feel.
Frustrated? Sympathetic? Burdened? Depressed? Thankful? What's a word that describes them all? :LKJ(0o^__WEFJOK>HAHAOIJL. Perhaps.

Life is but a fleeting moment.

Oh man. I'm beginning to blog like everyday. I haven't decided whether that's a good thing or not.
Anyway, I've been thinking about life.
This poor girl's dad passed away due to a hit and run accident on Montrose on Jan. 1st.
I don't know this girl well, but I have seen her here and there at school.
They say that she witnessed the entire ordeal.
I thought about this, and honestly, I have no idea how she could cope with such a burden. Just thinking about watching my dad get hit by a car terrifies me.
What would I do without him? If he went home RIGHT NOW, how would I feel? Would I have regrets?
And then I was reminded of that song...I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow; a wave tossed in the ocean; a vapor in the wind.
Truly, truly we are quite powerless to save our own lives. How fleeting, small, and insignificant our lives are. I'm not sure if that's depressing or awe-inspiring; perhaps both.
Thank you, God for my family; for keeping us safe.

Just came back from running. When I run, I get really tired but afterwards, I feel great. I also have time to recollect my thoughts. As the background moves past me, my world slows down. Something that's been on my mind lately is my identity; specifically, my faith.
I feel like I've put Christianity on hold for the past few weeks. Its as if one day, I just said "Dang, this is difficult" and quit. I feel ashamed to say the least; to call myself a Christian, a worship leader, a small group leader, an older brother. I've realized that my prayers have been asking God, "Please, make me hate sin," constantly asking for the easy way out. Christianity isn't about the easy road.
I've been thinking about starting to lead again soon. This "taking a break" deal has spoiled me, and undone my discipline. I'm tired of pretending; I want to be real, raw before the God who see's all.


So God, make me naked.
Make me uncomfortable.
Draw me close. I need you.

Silence.

Why are we so afraid of it? Why is it that we cannot enjoy a blissful moment of peace to recollect our thoughts and have some personal time to ourselves, but instead we impulsively feel awkward at a moment of silence?
I wish I were deaf for a few days. I'm not sure how I would cope. How would I wake up without an alarm in the morning? I would hear nothing but my own voice. Would I go insane? What an entertaining thought.

I am a little bit annoyed with myself...

I have realized that there are several aspects of who I am that I am not satisfied with;
Several aspects with which irk me and are more than imperfect.
Of course, I know that there is no way for me to become perfect, but should that stop me from trying?
Should I simply accept myself for who I am, despite my flaws, and expect everyone else to deal with it?
No. I refuse to remain the way I am. I refuse to stay stagnant and be restricted by what reality tells me is impossible.
God, help me become a better version of me.