Oh man. I'm officially nocturnal. Last night I went to bed at 4:30am and woke up today at 4:30pm. The night before that I went to sleep at 8:00am until 12:30pm. Most definitely need to fix my sleep schedule before school begins.

Had a pretty fun sleepover last night @ David Choe's house. Its been a while since all of us hung out together like that. Brought back some good memories, and made some new ones.

Oh yeah, eff this rain. Rain makes me miserable.

How could you even play beer pong in freezing weather like that?

Not gonna lie. That's pretty sick though.

Hey blogspot. Its been a while.

Here's an update. I've come home for winter break.

Even though I'm more than glad to not have any classes for a few weeks,

I wish that I was in Irvine. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love

meeting up with my friends. But sadly, La Crescenta has no longer become my home.

I've mentally set up a connection with my small cubicle dorm room in Shadowfax room 309.

Its uncomfortable to know that my bed doesn't feel like my own.

My dad told me something interesting today. He said that from what he's observed, I've fallen away from God. Its true. Through all of college life leading up these past ten weeks, God has been a last priority. I only go to church now because I have to. Its quite sad really, knowing how close I used to be with Him. But this apathy, this sense of immortality, is preventing me from going back. When I think of my future life, I can definitely see me as a Christian again, firmly entrenched in the faith. But for now, I think I'll leave life be...life's not done with me yet.

Thinking about the future only brings me anxiety.

The amount of work, studying, grades, tests, in order to reach the goal.

Thinking about PCATS makes me quiver.

Why is it that society makes it so hard to live in the present?

I guess living in the present is "irresponsible" in a sense, but constantly thinking about the future is not living life.

Jesus, this is my insanity plea.

Am I becoming too sensitive? I feel like I'm more easily irritated by trivial things.

Maybe its stress.

Just read my old xanga from 2006. I cringed at some of the posts where I screamed for attention. Ouch. The immaturity and lack of independence make me pity the old me. But then again, I wonder if I will pity the present me in the future....

God, are you playing games with me right now?

Dear Daphne

Put him down

That clown of a thing you call a man

Put him down

Put it down

That liquid courage

Too much courage

Made you foolish now

You'll drown

You'll drown

Stay with me

Your eyes are rolling

To the back of your head

Stay with me

Remember the things that I said

Til then I'll keep holding your head

Your head

I was there

A dead soul looking for love

In pretty snake holes

You're now there

You're opening

Bombs in gift wrap

Without a care

Get out of there

Get out of there

I see so much of me in you

But only the pages I threw

Away from my story

You don't need that kind of

Black and blue

Marking up your heart and

Bleeding through

All of your pages

Remember the love that I sent

Til then I'll keep

Holding your head

Your head...

College/life update!

Dear blog,

Its been a while. College has been an interesting experience so far.

I like it. The freedom, the escape from the incessant nagging of my parents.

I love them, I really do. But sometimes, family just becomes a little too much and I want nothing more than to leave the house. Living here, I feel like I have so much more free time. Haha.

Pharmaceutical Science major. Oh me oh my. Little did I know the gravity of taking on biology and chemistry simultaneously. What a task.

I really do envy my roommate Steve. He's a psych major taking psychology, history, and philosophy. He doesn't even have half of the homework that I have. Its ridiculous.

Its so very interesting rooming with Kevin and Steve. We all "knew" each other, but we were never close. But its funny how we sort of get along. Honestly, I think that its still very possible to get into a fight. But it will be hard. And since we're guys, I'm sure we'll get over it quickly.

So some of the little quirks that I found out from my first month with these two:

Steve: sucks at video games besides 2k11

constantly looking for/talking about girls or texting them

loves naps

eats slow

Kevin: also has an affinity for girls without as much luck as Steve

eats SUPER SUPER slow

sensitive body and he definitely needs to pack on some meat

sleep talks (like almost every night)

Sigh. I too have been looking for some potential lady friends. And to my dismay, I haven't had much luck. I guess not being interested in having a girlfriend my entire life also means that I have no game. But then again, maybe I'm aiming too high. I've been looking for really pretty, smart girls. But of course, why would they look at me? Sigh. This is my condition.

Oh yeah. And Chemistry can go suck it.

You say you're after the pursuit of happiness, but you have so much anger/depression/hate in your heart.

Does wishing death over other people make you happy?

I really do hope you find happiness, so you could let your anger go.

Or is it that you have to let your anger go to find happiness?

I hope you'd figure it out on your own.

I'm a no-good selfish son of a bitch.

Perspective?

Hmm. I was just reading some blogs and I realized that the blogger was using much higher vocabulary than he/she uses in real life. I'm not sure what it was, but some party of me felt a bit annoyed at this particular feature. And then I thought "Crap, do I do this too?"

And I think I do. My vocabulary in my blogs are a bit more advanced than everyday vernacular. (Case and point).

However, as I pointed this out to a friend, I also came to realize that writing is more formal than speech and thus requires formality, organization, and enhanced vocabulary. Furthermore, blogs with a sense of sophistication are more interesting to read than blogs that use "LOL" and "OMG".

But then again, I guess it all boils down to perspective and preference and whatnot.

Well, this blog did not really have a purpose. It was just a sudden realization that occurred to me and which I thought was interesting enough to blog about.

I'm exhausted. Life has been giving me curve balls lately.

So many downturns, but little bits of happiness and carefree leisure in between.

The constant emotions ups and downs recently have begun to take its toll on me.

Some people...really.

It leaves me speechless sometimes.

The arrogance, the ignorance, the hypocritical sense of it all.

It makes me wonder: do they like creating unnecessary drama? Do they crave animosity?

Don't they have anything better to do with their lives than start crap on Facebook?

It makes me angry. It makes me want to say something to them.

But then I think to myself: They are probably going to remain like that the rest of their lives.

And then I feel nothing but pity at their incessant pathetic-ness.

Philosophy of Religion?

I've been a Christian for a large portion of my life.

But for the past few months, I decided to take a break from religion just to explore life among other reasons. And I must say, its been an experience.

Its been liberating in various aspects of my life. Its like I don't have to follow these "rules" any more nor must I arduously read the bible, QT, worship and think about God.

I feel like certain limitations have been lifted.

Its ironic. I used to say things like "Jesus I can't live without you."

But now its hard to live with Jesus in my life.

I've been living fine without Christianity for the past few months.

I mean its not like I completely ditched religion and labeled it as unnecessary, but this period of venturing beyond my previous life has opened up new questions and thoughts.

What if religion was just an excuse for people who don't want to take responsibility for the outcomes of life?

If something bad happens, its God's doing not a direct or indirect result of some completely rational stimulus. If something good happens, its not a result of hard work or pure luck: its God's blessings.

Life hasn't changed much with respect to how life used to be for me when I worshiped God religiously. But the fact that I've been doing so fine allows me to question the purpose of the religious practices and ceremonies I have to complete under Christianity.

For Heaven? But technically, I still believe that God exists and that Jesus came to save us all.

And one may ask, could so many people be wrong at the same time?

Well, everyone once believed that the world was flat and that the earth was the center of the universe.

But then again there were eye witnesses of Jesus's miracles.

But if miracles were so effective against our fickle faith then how come Jesus didn't empower disciples to continue the miracles? It would be instrumental in persuading that Christianity is the truth.

I don't know. It all boils down to what you want to believe in.

I guess people who don't have religion may be less disciplined due to the fact that religion has so many rituals and processes.
For now, I definitely won't ditch God, but I will definitely live with a more open mind.

Silent Cry.

The walls are closing in on me. Heavy heart. Emotional baggage. Mental exasperation.

Creeping apathy.

How did this happen? How did it come to this and so quickly?

What the hell is going on? Why is every thing going to hell?

Why do I feel this way? Is it okay for me to feel this way?

Do I have a right? Don't I? Do I need one?

Am I an inanimate object to be used and discarded?

Or do I genuinely mean something...

To my best friend:

It hasn't even been 24 hours since I last saw you.

But as pathetic as it sounds, I miss you already.

You were the one I could talk to. The only one I could be completely and wholeheartedly genuine with. And now you're gone. Hope you're doing well and that you've landed safely.

I'll see you soon.

Smile When...

A new song in progress...

[Verse 1]
When things don't go according to plan
When you're on the ground and you don't want to stand
When you look around but you can't find a hand
When things go to shit and you can't understand

[Chorus]
Just smile
Defeat the world with the simplest expression
Of unfazed joy and leave your impression
Just wait a little while
It'll all work itself out
So just smile

[Verse 2]
When you give away your heart and it comes back broken
When you have something to say but it stays unspoken
When you've lit up so many times you're sick of smoking

[Verse 3]
When the world begins to lose its color
When you find yourself fighting your lover
When it just seems like its the longest summer
When you just can't wait til it all blows over

[Bridge]
Smile as though the world will fade
Smile as though it'll be okay
Smile as you forgive but not forget
Smile and live your life with no regrets

Problems.

Funny how things never go the way we want them...
Problems arise and we find ourselves looking at an obstacle that resembles the Great Wall of China.
And yet, we take a step back and realize that it isn't as big as it seems.
Overcoming is possible, albeit difficult.
Its kind of sad how sometimes I consider my friends' problems to be my own.
I have an urge to help them out, but sometimes I get caught in the middle.
At times I find myself suddenly loading myself with sympathy, empathy, compassion, anger, even though it isn't my problem to begin with.
Why do I do this to myself?

Clara Chung

July 17th.
The day I met my future wife. Hahaha just kidding.
But seriously, I don't remember a day I was happier.
As evidence to my admiration, my post just 3 days ago is a cover of HER song.
Sweet mother of all that is good, my heart jumped up to my throat when I saw her sitting in the same room as me.
Best night evar.

P.S. Work sucks.

Offbeat

Haven't blogged in a while.

Summer has been quite uneventful.
It's been fun, hanging out at odd times in all sorts of places.

But altogether, nothing incredibly significant.

There is something slightly interesting though.

I lost a bet to Alison Yoon back during 2nd semester.

She got a higher grade than me in physiology and I had to promise to make a video.

Thus, I shall post it for archiving purposes. I'm sure I will laugh when I stumble upon this in about 10 years from now.

I love this song. Its so catchy.

I hope this makes Clara C notice me. Its too bad that she's leaving UCI. Sigh.

Lost Innocence?

I remember the days no one knew what bj's were.
In elementary school I remember a kid getting suspended for saying that word, and I also remember me totally lost in confusion and puzzled at what those two letters could possibly mean.
I remember when kissing scenes did not mean two people eating each other's faces, and even rated-R movies were shy of showing nudity scenes.

Well, I've come a long way since then.
Its easy to blame it on the media since its vulgarity level has progressed quite noticeably.
Sex, once so taboo, has become a norm and perhaps even encouraged by peers in teenage life.
Virginity has been tossed to a dark corner unnoticed and unvalued by the majority.

My rant may seem altogether pointless, but if there is a point, its this:
Innocence has become underrated.

Its a pity. I miss it. But I can see even among my close friends that the taboo of sex has been broken.
When I hear of these events unfolding around me, a mixed feeling of emotions flow through me.
Anger, sadness, despair, bitterness, sympathy.
Its becoming so tiring. Every time I hear of these events, I ask myself, is ignorance truly bliss?
Or is it better to be aware of these things?
I think its the latter, but it still doesn't ease the hurt.

Graduation.

So I've finally graduated. I'm no longer a senior in high school.
I thought I would've felt differently about it than my current emotions.
Perhaps, glad, excited, sad. But no, I'm just tired and content: a feeling of completeness.

And most definitely thankful, to all the people in my life and of course God.
I've been a long way since way back when and it feels good for the journey, this chapter to have finally come to a close. Its time for a new chapter in my life and I have good prospects about it.

Letter from 7th grade.

Dear Jonathan Shin,
If you recieve this letter, congrats! You are a graduating senior at Crescenta Valley High School. You are about eighteen or nineteen years old. You can drive! All of your childhood, you've always wanted to drive and now you have. I know that the writing is freakishly messy but believe it or not, this letter came from you in 7th grade. Yup. Today's date is June 21, 2005. 2005! That was five years ago. I bet that you already forgot all bout this letter right? Well summer is coming up in a couple of days and I'll be an eight grader next year in Rosemont. I would have put money in here except that I don't have money rite now. I'm now in Ms. Estrada's class. She is turning 30 tomorrow and she is still single. Go check up on her to see if she got married yet or not. She was always stingy when we accidentally said Mrs. Estrada. You might be really interested in reading this letter by not but when it comes to end in about half a page, you'll regret that you only wrote as much as this letter contains but in 7th grade, you only wanted to finish this assignment and get on with life. Are you still going to Light of Love mission church? Dang.If you are, you've been attending that church ever since you were a little toddler. Did Dad give you his car yet? He promised remember? David Shin is gonna get Mom's car and Ruth will have to travel around on a bike. HaHa. Funny. But sad. What college or university did you get into?
Did you get into UCLA? That was your goal remember? If you did, CONGRADULATIONS!!! If you didn't, you never kept your goals anyways. I feel so dumb writing to myself. I wonder if anyone else in the class feels kind of stupid. No? Just me? Oh well. Are you still a loner? Are you still a game addict? Did you change at all? I would put a photo of me but I don't have a picture and I was never very photogenic. Congrats again on graduating high school. Do you have a girlfriend? You are so hot. Of course you'll have a girlfriend by now right? Do you still play maplestory? Remember that game? I'm level 25 right now but I still don't have a panlid. Do we still have Happy? That Yorkshire Terrier is so cute. Is she gone? Did she get run over by a car like Terry did? Who named Happy again? Oh yea. It was my sister and grandma. By the way, how is grandma? Is she getting by? I hope she is in good health. You should get her a gift with flowers and a card. Just for the heck of it. She'll love them. Well I'm running out of paper and I reached my minimum writing point of 1.5 pages so I'll sign off. If you really liked this letter, go to Ms. Estrada and say thank you. Well, you don't have to but if you feel like it, then do so. And one more thing. Right now, mom and dad is having hard times with work so make sure to help them and show them this letter that I wrote.

Sincerely,
Jonathan Shin

P.S. You are sexy! lol (smiley face)

Today, I was thinking about me. Who I was. Who I've become.
I've realized that I am not the same Jonathan from 2009.
I've changed and sadly, I cannot say for the better.

I used to be a nice guy. Someone who all my friends' parents loved.
Someone who wasn't a bad kid, but instead a kind, conservative teen who you'd never expect anything bad from.
But here I am. Sitting in this spot. What happened?
Was it the car accident? Was it stress? Friends?

Regardless of the cause, I must concentrate on the effect it has had on me.
That isn't to say that I'm not a nice guy anymore. Its just, I'm not the same.
When did I start all this?

I don't know any of this for sure, but I do know one thing.
I don't like what I've become and now I am determined to change once again.
I don't want to let go. Never.

This is how it ought to be...

So yesterday I watched Definitely Maybe.
Initially, I thought it was going to be another one of those corny, cheesy romantic movies, but I was wrong. Although it was mildly predictable, it was something new and refreshing in terms of this genre. I cannot deny that I liked that movie a lot. It was....dare I say it?...cute.

I want to meet a girl that's spontaneous, funny, cute, imperfect, and yet has that attribute to her that makes me want to become perfect: a girl that doesn't have to tell me explicitly to change this and that, but rather someone who makes me want to become a better person for her. Perhaps someone that loves me for who I am, and yet able to live with my rather large imperfections.
Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic...but is this too much to ask?

By the way, Isla Fisher is hot.

Life without regrets?

The thing I most fear is making regrets
Is making mistakes that I might never forget
Doing things that might leave scars
Things that would make my heart hard

But how can I live on in fear?
How can I be always wary of tears?
How can I go on always on guard
How can I go very far?

Cuz if you're regretting then you ain't living
And if you're looking back then you ain't giving
And there's more to life than sitting
Watching and waiting for fitting

So I'm gonna go out and live
Forget the mistakes and forgive
I can't stand it here any more
I'm not gonna live like before

I'm gonna lift my voice
Like I have a choice
Sing it loud
Lift my voice and shout
Open my arms wide
Like I've got nothing to hide



Some rough attempts and lyrics. I need inspiration for a new song.

Senior Ditch Day.

was ultimately unsuccessful. It was pretty lame because of the stinkin weather.
I really wanted to go to the beach =(
Wildly unproductive today. Mainly just sitting around thinking about what to do over the weekend.
Prom tomorrow. I'm kind of sad I'm not going.
I guess I'm just scared of missing out on some good memories before I leave for college.
But then again, I look at the cost and I feel a little better.
Yesterday, I went to Men's Wearhouse? Warehouse? with Daniel Woo to pick up his tux.
Oh man, this one sexy looking tux in the display window made me want to go to prom so bad.
Sigh...I'm happy for those that are going. For those that are not...let us weep and mourn together.

Because I don't do it enough

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with a good, loving family.
Seriously, it doesn't take much to see how blessed I am.
Man, without a loving family like mine, I don't know where I'd be.
My dad's not alcoholic. Hallejuah
My dad's not abusive. Hallejuah
My mom is not an adulterer. Hallejuah.
My mom is not obsessive. Hallejuah.
My brother is not mentally challenged. Hallejuah.
My brother is not unhealthy. Hallejuah.
My sister is not selfish. Hallejuah
My sister is not bitter. Hallejuah.

And that's not even the beginning but I'd just like to take this time
and dwell in the blessings I've been given. I had no idea how blessed
I've been all this time...

I just heard some tragic news.
Today on May 20, 2010 around 6 PM, 15 year-old Tyler Cullen passed away on the basketball courts of CV high school.
He hit his head on the pavement and received a concussion which he never recovered from.

I don't even know the guy or his older brother, Devin Cullen, who is a senior at CV, yet I can't help but feel sorrow for their loss. So tragic at such a young age.
15. He never even got his license.
He'll never experience the pleasure of learning to drive for the first time.
He'll never get a girlfriend, never get married, never have children.
He'll never get to eat another Big Mac or a Chipotle burrito.
He'll never get to laugh, cry, sing, shout, play basketball.
Makes me wonder at how short and fragile life really is.
I must enjoy the little things in life.

I just don't know what to say...I'm sorry.
RIP. Tyler Cullen.

Perfect Imperfections

I've been noticing that I complain a lot in my head. Maybe not explicitly whining and complaining, but contemplating my condition and sympathizing with myself. I always wish it was better, that everything worked out.
But now that I think on it, everything is going perfectly.
Imperfections in my life make me a better person.
I'm not spoiled, arrogant, pompous, and anything else of the sort that I would imagine people with perfect lives to be. Of course, there are always exceptions but I have the sense that had my life been perfect, I would not have been that exception.

So you know what? Thank you God, for not answering every little selfish prayer.
Thank you for wanting to build my character and make me a better person.
Thanks. For everything.

Life is nothing more than a series of unrelated events and experiences linked together. There is no rational explanation or theory, and life goals ultimately achieve nothing but a short-lived satisfaction that prepares one for the inevitable outcome of death.

A sad and pessimistic view of life, but true isn't it?

Perspective matters.

Would you like some wine with that cheese?

I believe its time for me to write a cheesy love song yes?

Though we may not be physically together
You'll always be my secret lover
And we'll never be too far apart
Because you'll always be in my heart

Every time you're next to me
My legs seem to become weak
I can never find the right words to speak
Even though inside I want to scream

All the little fights we've gotten into
Seem so small when compared to
The memories of you and me
That time we spent beneath that tree

I loved staring at your smile
It makes me wanna run a thousand miles
Silence was the language we spoke
As we shared a single stogg

Because you're the one I'll never forget
In this life or even the next
You've become my bare essential
You help me reach my full potential

And when this life is through and gone
I'll go ahead and sing you this song
Because the love we had was forever
And we'll spend eternity together

Just for clarification, I DO NOT have a girlfriend and this song does not refer to any person I know of, so don't ask.

The Beauty of Grace is That Its Free

So here I am back at square one
I screwed up again and now I'm on the run
As sure as history repeats
I admit my defeat
And I hang my head in shame
Afraid to call out your name

But the beauty of grace is that its free
And no one needs it more than little ol' me
Because you loved the biggest screw up
And you gave me a tune up
And showered me with love beyond compare

You picked me up when I fell down
Down on the ground
You brushed me off and turned me around
You saved me from falling off the edge of the rope
And instead gave me the gift of hope

Even when I thought I was not loved
When I thought I was an unknown
You gave me love more than enough
And made me feel like I was your own

Thank you thank you
For the love that you gave
For the people you save
For the road that you paved

Thank you thank you
For loving someone like me
For helping others to see
For nurturing this little seed
To grow into a healthy tree
And now I want to sing
Sing to the king
Despite what others may say or judge
When it comes to my faith I won't budge

Sometimes I stop and think about the things that I live for.
My morals, principles, and values all stay the way it should, relatively stable and only deviating to make room for improvements.
I'm talking about the little things we strive for in the short run.
Many times, it might be grades, a job, a certain new product, etc.
But I stop now and think on my desires, and I can't help but think: is it all just trivial pursuit?
Am I really chasing something worthwhile or is it all immediate gratification that I seek?
Am I living from object to object? Goal to goal? Or is there something worthwhile in the plethora of random crap I look forward to?

I realize that I'm being extremely vague at times in my blogs. And honestly, I'll probably forget what I was talking about in a few months. But its interesting because its the internet.
And EVERYTHING I say or write is potentially exposed to anyone that might take interest in what I say. Its kind of scary and also inconvenient, but it is what it is.

Also, I don't understand why people rant on blogs and stuff about other people anonymously.
Like "I hate your guts." statuses and the like. Its really immature, tacky, and wholly ineffective.
Will that person you speak of see that status and realize that they need to change?
Personally, I wish people would just talk to each other and figure their things out the good ol' fashioned way: face-to-face, person-to-person, heart-to-heart.
It may be harder than anonymous hate posts online, but its more effective and its the "bigger man" thing to do instead of hiding behind the digital wall of pure ignorant hate.

GRAH. I don't know what it is. But something...something about the way I'm feeling wants to be let out.
I wish I could grab a few of my buddies and go down to a studio or something and just jam out.
I want to sing like no one's listening, play like I'm losing my arms to cancer, dance like no one's watching, laugh like its the last laugh I'll ever have, and scream til I empty out my heart.
Whew. Something's weighing me down. Something makes me want to do something overly spontaneous. I have to let it out.

So this weekend was my first time leading in about 3 months or so.
I have to say, its quite liberating. I love leading worship.
But there is also that bit of baggage nagging at me.
Still not quite back to where I was.
Guess I have some work to do.

Play day.

Reflecting on how my life has been these days, I'm worried for college.
I've been playing hard this entire semester.
I know no one's going to be at college with me forcing me to go to class or to study.
God, please give me motivation and determination to get that 4.0.

Looking back on past days in 2009, I've realized that a lot has happened since then.
2010 has been quite a bit of struggle.
Many things learned, heard, felt, the bulk of which has had a pretty negative impact on me.
I've become quite aware of things going on around me, but at a great cost.
I've realized that I've lost a certain part of me due to a slow onset of cynical thoughts and negative thinking.
And now I need to get back in touch. I need to recover.
I want to become myself again. Before it all.

Hahaha. Lets lighten up. Enjoy life.

Rant About My Present and Future Prospects of Love.

Dang it all. I blame the media for our heightened expectations and standards for our significant other. I mean, what are the chances that you'll find someone so dang perfect, good-looking, smart, and without error? I mean, I think most people realize that no one is perfect, and yet, some part of them wishes that someone would get close enough. Hahaha.
The reason that I haven't been in a relationship yet is simply because I realize that high school relationships are bound to end. Two hormonal teenagers not yet fully mature + infatuation = recipe for disaster. So far, I look around at all of the people around me in relationships and this rule holds true. I don't know a single couple from middle school that has lasted til now. Why should high school be any different?
But still, this skeptical and wary view at relationships has cost me experience. And though I'll have plenty of chances in the future(I hope), I cant help but wish I had a girlfriend; someone to laugh with, someone to make happy, someone to hold, someone to talk to.
I guess this is nothing but a bitter rant with media as a scapegoat. I know I still have the world ahead of me(yes, I realize La Crescenta is not the world) and thus many shots at love, but I'm just impatient. WIFEY, WHERE ARE YOU?
What if I knew who I was going marry? If it wouldn't jeopardize "fate" or the future, I would find her and start now. Haha. I mean, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her, I want to make sure I know her inside and out. Dang. Marriage seems so far ahead of me. I don't even know why I'm thinking about these things. I feel slightly feminine. Do other guys think about this stuff?

Freewrite: King Lear

In hopes of helping me write my essay, I'm going to try something new. A free write.
King Lear and Gloucester are the prime examples of subjects able to physically see, but without the ability of insight nor clear vision. Both are disillusioned into making drastic errors in judgment by banishing their loyal children and subject (on Lear's part) and appointing their wicked children as heirs. Lear does not realize his mistake until he is driven mad by the cruel treatment of his wicked daughters. Gloucester gains clarity in insight after he is unable to rely on his physical eyes to see.

Lear's perspective is unmistakeably superficial. He loves the empty words of praise showered upon him by his wicked daughters despite the lack of love behind them. This superficial perspective prevents Lear from seeing through the physical garments and simple disguise worn by his most faithful and loyal servant, Kent.

Gloucester is also in a similar predicament. With a simple letter written by his illegitimate and wicked son, he becomes convinced of his noble, legitimate son's treachery and treason. However, once he loses his sight, he gains insight of the condition of his situation. Immediately after he is blinded, Gloucester quotes:

I have no way and therefore want no eyes;
     I stumbled when I saw. Full oft 'tis seen,
     Our means secure us, and our mere defects
     Prove our commodities. (IV.i.18-21)

His eyes stumbled him and prevented him from seeing the truth.

Lear does not gain insight until near the end of the play when Cordelia arrives at her father's side.
Only then, in his murky state of mind, does he see Cordelia for the noble and loving daughter that she is.

So as spring break winds down to its finally blissful moments, I can't help but dread the upcoming mornings of struggling to open my eyes and to painfully, grudgingly bring myself out of bed for an early morning of zero period AP Econ. Wooohoo!

Anyway, I went to visit my future school UC Irvine this break and it was pretty awesome. Even though the school may be smaller than most UC's the campus is actually pretty nice. The buildings are all modern, yet the campus retains a bit of a relaxing, nature-friendly environment which is dandy for me. Oh, and I've probably already said this a thousand times, but Newport beach is just 15 minutes away! The picture above was taken with my phone the day I visited. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm pretty excited for Irvine.

Its hard for me to stay standing when I feel like I have nothing supporting me.
Its easier to stay on the ground than to get back up and dust myself off.
Its easier to get on with life rather than try and fix the broken; to start all over again.
Its easier to give up.

Waiting..

Its quiet, oh so quiet where I stand
Not a person in sight to hold my empty hand
I've been waiting, oh I've been waiting for you
But you don't seem to be coming anytime soon.

Time is running out
The candle's burning out
And the sun has come out too soon.

But I'll keep waiting, oh I'll keep waiting for you
Even if I have to stay here til noon
Cause I know if I stay here
I'll see you soon.

If my legs give out, then I'll sit down
If my back begins to hurt, I'll lay in the dirt

I can't wait
to feel your embrace
when I finally get to see you face to face

Its a work in progress. Lyrics subject to change at my whim.

After nights of considerable thought and evaluation, I have come to a simple, yet groundbreaking conclusion: The energy required to get yourself to exercise is less than the energy required to exercise itself QED.
Thank you. That is all.

Running.

Running is extremely taxing on me. After about a mile, every lap becomes a personal challenge of self discipline; to push myself through the aches, pains and shortness of breath.
And yet, its sort of relaxing at the same time. Ironically, my world stops when I run alone and I immerse myself in deep thought about mostly nothing. But its almost peaceful, like my place of mental rest despite the physical torture.
Have you ever listened to the conversations that go on about the track when you run by people?
Some of the squabble is actually quite interesting. Not interesting enough to hear the entire story, but just that little snippet of what I hear is pretty intriguing. I have a good time keeping my music on low and eavesdropping for a phrase or two when I run past people. And then, if I'm feeling bored or have nothing to think about, then I try and fit that snippet into a full conversation. I'm weird.
Also, listening to girls talk about prom is fun(ny).

When you think about something for too long, the thing you're thinking about becomes alien, strange, obscure. I've been thinking about college recently, and the notion has really hit me. Wow, I'm going to college. It isn't completely exaggerated or misconstrued when I say that my life has been revolving around this event. What is it we, as students, strive for? Why is it that we(well not all of us) toil and go to hagwon for SATs and APs and slave our days away with our nose in our books? It all boils down to college. And now, I'm here.
I was looking at rooming options, campus, and costs for UC Irvine. I guess I've already accepted the fact that its the school I'm going to. I'm kind of glad that my cousin is going as well as some friends. I can't wait for next year, its definitely going to be an adventure. Haha. But summer has yet to come. And when it does...definitely FSU time!

My last few posts have been pretty dreary, though not without due reason. Still, I shall take this next post to talk about something a little more optimistic.

I like when its evening time, say 6-7 pm, and the sun isn't down yet. Its like the sun wants me to have more fun, begs me to, arguing that the day has not yet ended. Even though the heat may be uncomfortable, it isn't unbearable and if you're in the shade, its quite soothing and relaxing. I can't wait for summer. It can't get here quite fast enough.

This weekend, I've rejected by my two choice schools: UCLA and UCSD.
To be honest, I imagined myself crying at that the words "We regret to inform you that..." but it was just numbness. Shock? Disappointment. I didn't know what to think or say.

I guess I got over the rejection to UCLA sooner than I thought. Even though it was my number 1, I knew that chances were slim. But UCSD, I thought I had a chance. I had hope. But I was rejected. And now I feel depressed. I don't feel better at the thought that most everyone got rejected, but just bitter at the people who did.

Looks like UC Irvine is the most likely and realistic option for me. Its not like its a bad school or anything because its not. And that's not the reason I'm feeling down. Its the fact that I got rejected from SD, my target. I thought I was worth that much.

Funny, I imagined this day so differently way back when. I used to think to myself that even if I ended up going to a community college, I would thank God for everything and the things he's provided thus far. But I'm not in a good place right now with God, so so much for that.

Hmm. Oddly, the people who come up to me and try and cheer me up are irritating me. I mean, I'm thankful that they care enough to try and raise my hopes or anything right now but I guess I just don't feel like I need it at the moment. I think this disappointment needs to play itself out. Don't feel like doing anything right now.

I'm tired of always leaving you behind.
Always pushing you into the back of my mind
I'm tired of saying I'll eventually come back to you
And then turn around and do the things I do.
I always take advantage of your love and grace.
Doing things behind your back that would bring you shame.
And I love you more than songs could ever say
Because whenever I'm lost you help me find the way

So bring me back into your arms
Call me back for I've been gone far too long
I yearn for you in spirit and in truth
So help me find that innocence of youth

I need you now more than ever
In these trying times we need to stay together
I was lost and now I'm found
You helped me turn around
and now I live again to glorify you




Help me to get to the place where I can sing these words without a shadow of a doubt
Where I can firmly say, God is my god and he's the only one for me.
Help me find my way back to you. Give me a sign, talk to me.

I'm sick. I've come down with a serious case of senioritis. Oh its real, let me tell you.
When you don't want to do your homework so much that you've read your facebook news feed 5 times over and pretty much memorized it, when you find yourself looking at profile pictures of people you've never met before, when you find yourself looking at your dog sleeping for over 10 minutes, you've got the disease.

There isn't a shadow of a doubt:
I will protect the ones I love. I will definitely have their backs, be their support, be a father, brother, and friend.

"Faith is the aftermath of questioning- not the answers but the quitting of doubt." -Lewis Hyde

Redo.

Often times, I catch myself thinking: I shouldn't have done that...or I should have done this. I think everyone at one time or another wishes for a do-over, a redo, an attempt at redemption. But what I realized was that if such a thing was plausible, it would take away the weight behind our actions; essentially effectively stripping away consequence.
I could do the most terrible things to the nicest people and go crazy and shoot 15 people; and then have a redo and just go along with life. Would that be weird? If you left the world UNCHANGED, but still experienced the option of doing whatever? I think it would change me into an uncontrolled, erratic freak of nature with severe lack of self discipline. Still, entertaining thoughts.

An Interesting Hypothetical

What if minutes went by like seconds; hours like minutes; days like hours?
Would meaning finally be boiled down into the mere essentials? Would we start to care about things that truly mattered? Would our eyes be opened to a new perspective as a result of this drastically shortened life?

Or would things cease to hold meaning altogether? Would the idea of absurdism take effect? Would everything in life not matter? Would we begin to absorb ourselves in the immediate present and take happiness in the pursuit of death? Would we stop taking happiness for granted?

Ignorance is bliss. I've heard it and thought about it so many times. And sometimes, its true.
Sometimes, things are meant to be kept unspoken. But how do you know until you've heard it?
If ignorance is bliss, but being happy means you're ignorant, is it worth it?
Is it acceptable to be living in your own little world with little or no concern for the bad things that happen in life? Or is that being completely selfish as well as ignorant?
The only way to do good, is to be aware of the problem and what's going on around me.
But what if it comes out to be too much? What if its just too much to handle?
I think the real challenge may be adapting. Assess the situation, understand the problem, accept reality and move on.
Life comes at you fast and if you dwell on one thing too long, another will come to hit you in the face when you're not ready. Perhaps the people who live with the least concerns are efficient problem solvers.
But of course, this is all superficial and life is more complicated than that. Is this just a fear of losing control of events (both fortunate and unfortunate) unfold around me?
So many questions, so little answers.

Am I happy with where I am right now? No, not entirely.
Time for a change?
I guess I should either keep the promises I make to myself, or stop making promises I know I won't keep. Self-discipline is hard to come by.

God are you there?
Do you speak only when I listen? Or can you talk to me even when I'm not listening?
I know its arrogant of me to even ask this, because you initiated with the whole dying on the cross thing. And I know that it was more than a huge step, but it would make being a Christian a whole lot easier.
I can feel myself backsliding. And inevitably, there is guilt, but there is also a freedom that Christianity does not offer.
Having been born in generation X, I am more prone to immediate rewards, the now and not the later.
I feel like Christianity is a future investment in life after death, but living in the world is more like living in the NOW, experiencing the short life I have here on earth.

I know I'm taking advantage of His grace, but sometimes, the whole routine gets suffocating, and I need a breather. So God, if you're there, now would be a good time to break that silence.

The Midnight Rap Battle.

This is one I know will look immensely stupid in a few years.

yeahchristine ehehe i love these excursions :-)
jonashinn hahaa for reals

they be the illest

when I be hanging with the chillest
yeahchristine her name be christine

on the mic she's a fiend

jonashinn 11:34 pm
ANd his name is jonas

when he grabs the mic

you know he owns this
yeahchristine 11:35 pm
but when she take it back

you know she do it better

nvm

jonashinn 11:35 pm
lol
yeahchristine 11:35 pm
i can't say

next line

too dirty

jonashinn 11:35 pm
she be struggling with her rhymes
yeahchristine 11:35 pm
LOL
jonashinn 11:35 pm
cuz she needs more time

to think of her next line
yeahchristine 11:35 pm
or she just needs one more

tequila w/ a lime

HA

jonashinn 11:36 pm
that was gay

but its okay

its just how you say

your gay rhymes every day
yeahchristine 11:36 pm
so jealous of my skills

the way i please & thrill

I'll punch you in the nut

yeahchristine 11:37 pm
and you'll scream WAAAAAADAFUCK

:-)

jonashinn 11:37 pm
HAHAHA
yeahchristine 11:37 pm
;-)
jonashinn 11:37 pm
But you can't touch them

until you grow a pair

and then some hair

as long as a mare

cuz you's a little kid

still naked and bare
yeahchristine 11:38 pm
i think i disagree
jonashinn 11:39 pm
if you're really hairier than me..
yeahchristine 11:39 pm
sorry my dad

was here

jonashinn 11:39 pm
that's just scary
yeahchristine 11:39 pm
HAHAH

wait

i'm confused

were you talking about my

jonashinn 11:39 pm
and i need to go plan B
yeahchristine 11:39 pm
boobs
jonashinn 11:39 pm
no
yeahchristine 11:39 pm
or your kohonas
jonashinn 11:39 pm
i was saying you need to grow a pair
yeahchristine 11:39 pm
of balls

eeeeeeeew

jonashinn 11:39 pm
chyeah

not literally

wtf

yo yo yo

get a hint

your shades got too much tint

I be fresh like a mint

like hot paper fresh off the print
yeahchristine 11:40 pm
sorry the bright lights hurt

cuz last night was a blur

i think i had too much & i was pretty drunk

but even under influence

i ain't dull i ain't dense

yeahchristine 11:41 pm
i'm still the queen

cuz everyone gets jealous

when i rock & lean

8-)

jonashinn 11:41 pm
...

yo

whats happening?

your rhymes are beginning to untwine and unravel

if I be smooth asphalt
jonashinn 11:42 pm

then you be dirt gravel
yeahchristine 11:42 pm
haha you so funny i think i bust my spleen

but when you hear me flow i see your face turn green

your noona is the best

i school you all the time

jonashinn 11:43 pm
...lol

owned
yeahchristine 11:43 pm
we're so gay

what are we doing

LOL

jonashinn 11:43 pm
the only time you see me green

is when I turn into a lean mean machine

you can call me hulk

when I be owning you so hard you choke

OHHH

Game over?
yeahchristine 11:44 pm
YOU WOULD HIT A GIRL ?
jonashinn 11:44 pm
no foo

i'm the Hulk
yeahchristine 11:44 pm
jerk

we over

shuddap

Accidente

Well, I promised myself that I would blog events, so here goes.
Today, I got into my first real accident.
I thought it was my fault at first, but it there were faults at both ends of the party.
My first reaction was something like "Crap."
Then came anger, not really directed at anybody or anything.
And then came disappointment; THAT was directed at myself.
You see, I got a speeding ticket a few months ago. Then about three days ago, I got a PARKING ticket. And now, I get into an accident. My dad wasn't angry at me; he didn't get upset. He was merely glad that nobody was hurt and that it was a church member that hit me. (If it was anyone else, they might have called the cops, charges might be pressed, lawyers called, insurance, etc. Things would've been messy).
But through all of this, I only thought of one thing. That I was a burden. A big, major, and completely unnecessary burden to my dad, who was going through tough financial times in his business, not to mention working enough to cover my mom's duties who is currently in Korea for a month. I've already agreed to pay for the tickets and the repair, but I just felt terrible that I was causing such trouble to my dad. Don't worry Dad, I'll make it up to you, somehow.
Overall, the experience wasn't that bad. A lot of my church friends saw it happen, and to be frank, I wasn't embarrassed; more so, I felt a little vulnerable. But the accident wasn't that great of a deal.
And really, through some of these experiences, I've come to realize some of the great friends I have. Hahaha. I'm truly loved.

Clinging on...

Hope. I got admitted to UC Riverside today. Lets face it: yes, its a good school, but nobody grows up saying "I want to go to Riverside when I grow up!" As cocky as this may sound, I applied to that school mainly for a confidence boost. And well, I'm trying to be as thankful as I can, because maybe, maybe, God might see it in his grace to grant me a chance at UCLA. I KNOW that I'm completely lacking. And yet, hours of my family's prayer, the countless hours of potential sleep spent praying by my grandma, the tears of desperation, along with my cries and pleads for help, cannot possibly be all ignored. So I'm clinging on to the hope, that by some God-given miracle, I get into UCLA. As unlikely a chance that might be, I will continue to pray and have faith that my God will provide. And if I don't get in, even though I might be bitter and sad at first, I will accept the fact that God simply has other plans for me and move on. But for now, hope. Hope.

The Big One Eight.

My family just left from my week-early birthday dinner. I don't know, I've never really put much weight on my own birthdays. In fact, I've bashed on other people for being too happy about them(sorry if you're reading this). But you know, I realized that I've been extremely lucky to make it through 18 years. So many, lost in poverty, driven by unsanitary conditions, disease, crime, have never made it this far nor will countless more, all because of the simple, uncontrollable fact that they were born into unfortunate circumstances. So even today, a week before I turn 18, I'm ecstatic and extremely grateful that I have lived to be old enough to sign off my own papers, buy cigarettes and lottery tickets, get a job, and become legally responsible for all of my actions. So, thank you.

My God...

My God is big, he is great.
Nothing can snatch me from his hands.
Despite my immense shortcomings, he is more than enough to make up for them.
I know that he is my back up and who can stand up against Him?
Hahaha. With Him, I will prevail because through Him, all things are possible.
I just have to have faith. Faith to persevere, to destroy doubt, to die to myself, take up my cross, and follow Him.

Mediocrity

As I reflect on some of the choices I've made of late, and the outcomes of those choices, I've noticed that I've been overwhelmingly complacent.
My compromising attitude has led me to be apathetic towards the things that are important and instead care about the superficial; things that I want; instant gratification. I'm thoroughly disgusted at my selfish and foolish choices and I'm looking for a way out.

Also, still lots of craziness going on. I hate to see my friends going through crap like this and I want to help, but sometimes, its hard to respect that they need their own secrets. I wish I could help. I want it all to fade away. Sigh. What's wrong with me?

Dying to Live.

AP Economics has taught me that we have unlimited wants, but not enough resources to attain them. I know life doesn't always work out perfectly, but I hope that this does.
Can one hope?

I just spent the last hour looking at every one of the 500 Niko pictures up on the facebook group. I want to go back...

Today was an uneventful day. Sigh, I'm stressed out. I thought after college apps, things were supposed to all head downhill...
I have an econ test tomorrow, AP chem/AP calc/physio test on friday as well as a finalized 6-8 page research paper for english. Jesus help me.
So my mom got really mad at my dog today (Dunkie). Because he pees like...uncontrollably everywhere. (Gotta get that dog a diaper or something). And my mom told me to ask around if anyone would want him. This got my hopes up, thinking that if we sold him for a good enough price, I could perhaps get a macbook or something. But after some discussion with my parents, my dad says that he doesn't want to sell him or give him away...pity, I don't really like that dog.

Heavy

HEAVY HEAVY. Everything is so heavy. But I must carry some of the burden.
So naive. I've been so ignorant. Its okay, we'll solve the problems one at a time.

EDIT: I'm so thankful. I'm so blessed.

Pretty bland day today. Very typical. I fell asleep in 4 out of 5 of my classes haha.
Wouldn't it be great if our bodies didn't need sleep? I mean, I love sleeping and naps and such, but what if we didn't NEED to sleep? That would add an additional 8 hours or so (or 4 hours for me) every day. Hurray for efficiency! Of course, this may very well entail another 4 hours of procrastination on my part...hehe.
I'm going to court tomorrow. At a very inconvenient time too. Seems like I might not be able to donate blood. I really want to though. I'm very interested in the entire process. Some people are scared to donate, but I want to watch as the needle pierces my skin. I heard donors get a free t-shirt.

ignorance = bliss?

I heard something very unfortunate today. Sigh. I don't know how to describe how I feel.
Frustrated? Sympathetic? Burdened? Depressed? Thankful? What's a word that describes them all? :LKJ(0o^__WEFJOK>HAHAOIJL. Perhaps.

Life is but a fleeting moment.

Oh man. I'm beginning to blog like everyday. I haven't decided whether that's a good thing or not.
Anyway, I've been thinking about life.
This poor girl's dad passed away due to a hit and run accident on Montrose on Jan. 1st.
I don't know this girl well, but I have seen her here and there at school.
They say that she witnessed the entire ordeal.
I thought about this, and honestly, I have no idea how she could cope with such a burden. Just thinking about watching my dad get hit by a car terrifies me.
What would I do without him? If he went home RIGHT NOW, how would I feel? Would I have regrets?
And then I was reminded of that song...I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow; a wave tossed in the ocean; a vapor in the wind.
Truly, truly we are quite powerless to save our own lives. How fleeting, small, and insignificant our lives are. I'm not sure if that's depressing or awe-inspiring; perhaps both.
Thank you, God for my family; for keeping us safe.

Just came back from running. When I run, I get really tired but afterwards, I feel great. I also have time to recollect my thoughts. As the background moves past me, my world slows down. Something that's been on my mind lately is my identity; specifically, my faith.
I feel like I've put Christianity on hold for the past few weeks. Its as if one day, I just said "Dang, this is difficult" and quit. I feel ashamed to say the least; to call myself a Christian, a worship leader, a small group leader, an older brother. I've realized that my prayers have been asking God, "Please, make me hate sin," constantly asking for the easy way out. Christianity isn't about the easy road.
I've been thinking about starting to lead again soon. This "taking a break" deal has spoiled me, and undone my discipline. I'm tired of pretending; I want to be real, raw before the God who see's all.


So God, make me naked.
Make me uncomfortable.
Draw me close. I need you.

Silence.

Why are we so afraid of it? Why is it that we cannot enjoy a blissful moment of peace to recollect our thoughts and have some personal time to ourselves, but instead we impulsively feel awkward at a moment of silence?
I wish I were deaf for a few days. I'm not sure how I would cope. How would I wake up without an alarm in the morning? I would hear nothing but my own voice. Would I go insane? What an entertaining thought.

I am a little bit annoyed with myself...

I have realized that there are several aspects of who I am that I am not satisfied with;
Several aspects with which irk me and are more than imperfect.
Of course, I know that there is no way for me to become perfect, but should that stop me from trying?
Should I simply accept myself for who I am, despite my flaws, and expect everyone else to deal with it?
No. I refuse to remain the way I am. I refuse to stay stagnant and be restricted by what reality tells me is impossible.
God, help me become a better version of me.